Building a Support System: Knowing Who to Turn To

When we have a support need that comes up, we sometimes just default to asking certain people. The problem with this is that it might not be the best fit. Maybe we try to get emotional support from someone who is best at practical support. We can end up feeling frustrated and misunderstood. They might be trying to figure out our immediate practical needs when what we really want is someone to listen.

By taking the time to think about who is good in specific areas of support, we can ask people whose strengths fit what we need. This can lead to a more satisfying experience for the person providing support as well. Some people are good at multiple types of support; others are strongest in one area.

There are many different types of support

Emotional

An emotional support is someone you feel safe and seen with. They aren’t judging you or telling you what to do. They let you express all of your feelings without pushing you to get over it, move on, or trying to fix it for you. These people are good listeners who know how to be fully present with you.

You might want emotional support when something big happens in your life. Maybe you’re dealing with a life change or loss, a stressful work situation, or a relationship issue. Many things can bring up feelings that you want to be able to express and feel supported with.

Social

When you need social support, you could want connection with others, fun activities, and being included in events. Maybe you feel like going out to a movie or for dinner without having deep, emotional conversations. You might want a break and to talk about many different topics with people you find fun. Some people have a good sense of humor that makes them helpful to be around.

Spiritual

During difficult times and just day to day, many people seek out meaning, connection with the spiritual, and ways to experience peace. This could be something you find with a group, such as a religious community, meditation meet-up, or activist organization aligned with your values. It could involve conversations with a friend or religious leader. Maybe time in nature with someone you trust. There are endless ways this can fit for different people.

Practical

Sometimes, we need help with household and daily tasks. This could be due to life demands, injury, mobility limitations, illness, mental health needs, executive functioning challenges, or any other reason.

Some examples of practical support include providing meals, helping manage finances, offering transportation, childcare, cleaning, personal hygiene care, medication management, attending a medical appointment with you to take notes and help ask questions, or assisting with any other functional task.

Intellectual

Some people make terrific sounding boards to work through issues and problems. They help with processing and considering, or even finding, potential options. They might be good at breaking things down into smaller steps and help a problem seem more manageable. Maybe they have more experience with challenges you are facing, so they know the resources needed, actions involved, and who else can help.

Maybe you can think of other categories you would add to your areas of support as well.

Start with what you need

Another benefit to this thoughtful sorting process is that it can help us think more about our needs. If we can clarify for ourselves what we need or are hoping for from a support, we are more likely to find it. We will be able to communicate it clearly and select a person who’s a better match for our request.

You don’t have to wait for something big to happen. Maybe you notice you’ve been missing company, that a task keeps feeling too much, or that you want someone to hear how your day went. Those are needs you can ask for support with, too.

If you’re unsure what would help, you can start a journal entry in Rosebud. Write or talk about what’s been happening, then use its follow-up questions to explore what you’re feeling and what kind of support you want. You might start with:

“I’m having a hard time with ___. Help me think through what kind of support I’m hoping for.”

You might realize you want someone to listen before you think about solutions. Or that talking things through would help, but so would a meal or a ride. You can need more than one kind of support at once.

Make a support list you can come back to

Having the names and contact information for your supports sorted into categories reduces mental load during difficult times. You can look at your list instead of trying to think of who to contact and figuring out how to do that. Also, sometimes during tough periods in our lives, our brains aren’t great at realizing there are any supports available.

Use the five categories above as a starting point. Under each one, note:

• Who you could ask, including people, groups, and services.

• What you might ask them for.

• How to reach them and anything you know about their availability.

Don’t forget to include both informal supports, such as family and friends, and professional supports, such as a therapist, doctor, personal support worker, pharmacist, childcare provider, crisis line, or support organization.

You can use a Rosebud entry to think through who has supported you in each area. You can also take a picture of a handwritten support list and add it to a Rosebud entry. Talk through the list with Rosebud so it has context about who you turn to and what they can offer. Rosebud’s memory can draw on what you’ve shared in future entries, helping you think about who to reach out to in a moment of need.

Turn the need into a request

Sometimes we don’t want to ask for help. In some cultures, asking for support is normalized; in others it is avoided and hyper-independence is held up as a value. We all need some level of interdependence in our lives. There are also times when support is required, such as during an injury.

Remember you can ask for support. The other person is free to say yes or no to your request. They determine what they are capable of offering. They can also suggest an alternative if they need to.

Being specific can help someone understand what you’re asking for:

• “I’ve had a difficult day. Do you have a little time to listen? I’d like to talk about it before looking for solutions.”

• “I could use some company. Would you like to go for a walk this weekend?”

• “I’m having trouble keeping up with meals this week. Would you be able to bring dinner one evening?”

• “I have a decision to make. Would you be willing to help me think through my options?”

If finding the words is difficult, you can try this in Rosebud:

“I’d like to ask ___ for ___. Can you help me draft a request?”

Read it over, give feedback on anything that doesn’t fit, and reach out yourself when you’re ready. Rosebud’s role here is to help you reflect and prepare for connection with people. It doesn’t replace human relationships or professional care, and you don’t need to journal first if you already know you want to reach out.

It can be helpful to think ahead about your needs. Providing advance notice when making a request can help when possible. Of course, that’s not always an option, so keep a list of supports more available for short-notice situations.

Keep building your support system

When you make your support list, see if you need more support for some specific areas. If you do, think about other people in your life who could be a fit for those areas. This could also be a time to consider seeking out professional support or other groups where you might meet people who can help.

If some areas are empty, you haven’t done the exercise wrong. Building support can take time. You can start with one person, group, or service you’d like to learn more about.

It’s a list you can keep adding to and check in about periodically as people come into your life. After reaching out, you might also reflect on what helped and what you’d want to ask for next time.

You can consider what areas of support you are best at and enjoy providing when you are able to. This can clarify what you might offer when someone you care about is needing support.

It is important to ask for support. If you’re having trouble sorting through this and want a hand, a therapist can be a good resource. They can help you think through your support system, suggest additional options, and team up with you to tackle any internal beliefs that are barriers to you asking for the support you need.